Sometimes I hate being captain. Today is one of those days.
Even now as I lay here and watch her I can’t believe it happened. She’s sleeping in my bed.
My bed.
She’s sleeping. Not regenerating—sleeping, content with herself…with what we did in here.
How can I ever look at anyone and expect them to respect me when I’ve taken a member of my crew and…there isn’t even a word for what we did last night. Some could see it as nothing more than a night of sex, but it was more than that.
So much more.
We loved long and hard and passionately and I swear if I died in those moments I wouldn’t have a single regret. I knew when it was over everything would change, and it already has, but I didn’t care. I would deal with the consequences when they arrived.
And here I am now, laying beside her with her head nestled against me, her nude body still pressed against mine, and we’re both due to begin our duty shifts in less than two hours. The smell of our night together still strong in my nostrils, the memory of her inside me still brings tingles to parts of me I don’t want to think about right now, her flavor, her voice calling my name again and again…it’s all too much. I don’t want to give it up.
But I have to.
I have no choice. I can’t in good faith lead this crew and have a relationship with her. She would become my favorite. Hell, she already is. I set her apart from the rest and grant her favoritism I wouldn’t dream of with the others.
It’s not her fault though. I allowed my heart to run with this. I allowed things to change.
I allowed myself to love her.
Honestly, I’ve been in love with her for so long I’m surprised this hasn’t happened before now. What I have to contend with is that it’s not all about me this time. I’ve involved her. If it was just myself I could deal with it like I had been all this time, find ways to occupy my time, bury myself in work, anything to get her out of my mind. Now I have to hurt her and tell her it’s over before it ever had a chance to begin. It’s the right thing to do and I hate myself for it but there is no other way.
“Kathryn?”
So absorbed in my thoughts I didn’t even sense her waking. “Good morning, Seven.”
“Is something wrong?”
Is something wrong? Only the universe. I’m so in love with you and I have to tell you we can never be…that everything we did last night was wrong and this can never happen again. I can never see you outside of duty because I might find myself lost in your arms again.
“No. Why do you ask?”
Oh, Seven, don’t do that. Don’t sit up and study me. You can read me so well and I might fall apart before your eyes when I tell you what I have to.
“Your body is tense and rigid. What are you thinking about?”
Ah. The million dollar question, given to me on a silver platter. No need to hem and haw my way into it.
“I’ve got a lot on my mind this morning, Seven.”
“I suspect you would.”
What is she doing now? She’s getting up and putting her clothes back on? What the hell? Don’t leave me now. You can’t leave. I’m not ready.
“Where are you going?”
“I know you are having difficulty with our acts of sexual expression. Unless there is something else on your mind this morning that you wish to tell me, I am going to return to the cargo bay before anyone realizes I spent the night in your quarters and leave you to your thoughts. I know you value discretion so I will not display any behavior that will warrant any rumors to begin.”
“Are you serious?”
Am I understanding this right? She’s accepting the one thing I thought she never would, without me even having to bring it up.
“Of course, Kathryn. I don’t expect the parameters of our relationship outside these walls to change because we have engaged in sexual intercourse—”
“Seven, you do realize that I am still and always will be your captain first and foremost, don’t you?”
I love it when she smiles at me like that. It makes me melt like a pad of butter dangled over a flame. What was I thinking? I can’t end this relationship before it even had a chance. I’m too far in, and if last night was any indication I’d say she’s too far in too.
“Of course.”
She begins to pin up her hair and I study her carefully. I at least owe her the truth before she leaves.
“Seven,”
I want to tell you my concerns about us, my fears of how I might unintentionally treat you differently. I want you to know the awful mistake I almost made this morning, before I realized you would handle this so much more maturely than I ever would. I want to tell you so much, but when you look at me the only words that come to my lips divulge my truest feeling and I won’t ever hide it from you again.
“I love you.”
The End