Captain Janeway worked alone in the DaVinci holoprogram. The room was darker than usual because the nighttime settings had been used and only a few candles decorated the room for light. Normally when she spent time in here she sculpted or painted, but today she wrote. She wrote about her hopes, her fears, and her expectations, all the things she never shared with anyone and most likely never would if it hadn’t been for that dream last night. Now, her inner voice called out to her, warned her, and if she continued on her destructive path of denial then she would most certainly end up alone. But being alone isn’t what frightened her though. It was losing Seven that did.
The dream left her feeling vulnerable, and when she woke, she knew she had to talk with Seven or things would never, could never, be the same between them. It was so real, she wrote in her journal. I was an old woman, an admiral. My life was perfect but I wasn’t happy. Something- someone- was missing and it made my life feel like hell. I traveled back in time to bring this crew home, but my real intention for traveling back was to bring Seven back to me. It took too many years of soul searching to admit what I knew from the beginning- that I loved her. I watched her for years growing from an arrogant Borg drone into a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful, caring young woman. I also watched as she developed a relationship with Chakotay and eventually married him. She was happy. I was forced to sit by and watch them hold hands, share amorous glances, and when I married them onboard this ship I was forced to deal with knowing they were making love so close to my quarters. It nearly killed me to give her up without a fight, but I did. I became depressed and refused treatment. Then when that horrid day came, when Seven was critically injured and died in his arms, I couldn’t take any more and was almost forced into giving up command. The doctor said I was severely clinically depressed. I couldn’t deal with losing her. I wanted to die with her, yet somehow I found a way to continue. I was never the same after her death, and when we made it back to Earth it wasn’t the joyous reunion with Starfleet I hoped for. I wanted nothing more than to retire my commission. My job was done. I got the crew home, but I took the promotion and sat behind a desk for ten years scrutinizing every detail of that journey and reprimanding myself for hiding my feelings for her, for being so absorbed in myself and this damn uniform that I let the most important person in my life slip away without so much as a damn word to stop it. She looked up from her writing and focused on the candle flickering before her. There was something soothing about watching the flame and shadows it created dance around, and she forced herself to continue writing before she lost the flow. I don’t know if that dream was a premonition or just my inner conscience speaking. I know for a fact she has been spending extra time on the holodeck in a simulation with Chakotay. It pains me to see this playing out before me while I remain frozen with fear. I know I love her. I’ve loved her for over three years and have not had the courage to tell her. I don’t expect her to feel the same. How could she? There is an entire generation separating our ages, and she’s so innocent. She’s like a child. She looks to me for guidance and understanding. I could never take advantage of that trust. I would never want to ruin that bond, but I have to tell her I love her. I owe it to myself…and her.
She closed the journal and stared at the flame again, unsure about how to proceed or how to handle this situation she created for herself. As her mind wandered back to Seven and she subconsciously blocked out the DaVinci simulation, she became startled when she heard a noise behind her and more startled to find the Borg standing in the doorway looking more beautiful than she ever remembered.
“Captain, it is my understanding we were to play Velocity this afternoon. Have you changed your mind?” Seven asked, not moving from the doorway.
“No, Seven. I was just doing some writing. I would like to talk to you about something important though.” Janeway’s voice had cracked, a sure sign that she was nervous about confessing her newly recognized feelings. She even thought her heart skipped a beat or two when she saw Seven standing there radiating in the candlelight.
Seven moved over to the table, sat beside Janeway, and focused all her attention on the woman who saved her life and made it worth living again. She sensed there was something urgent Janeway wanted to talk about but was having a great deal of difficulty finding the words to express herself. She reached out and softly touched Janeway’s arm, letting her know in a way the older woman had used with her so many times that everything was alright and whatever the problem was it could be handled.
The touch sent shivers through Janeway’s body and made her lightheaded. It was if someone had sucked the air from her lungs and left her here to suffocate. She didn’t understand how something so simple as a touch could create such an intense rush of fire shooting through her body. She was unprepared for Seven’s compassionate gesture, not that Seven was unable of giving compassion, but the suddenness of it combined with the suggestive nature took her by surprise and made her glad she was already sitting down. She couldn’t do it. Not yet. She had to formulate a plan so her words were the right ones.
“Seven, I don’t feel up for Velocity today. Perhaps we can play another time.”
“Of course,” Seven responded, trying to suppress her hurt feelings. She knew the captain had her responsibilities on Voyager and making time for recreation was at the bottom of a long list for someone who had so many obligations. Playing Velocity or spending arranged time with Janeway was the highlight of her day, but she never told anyone. Developing into an individual again and acquiring all the qualities that went with it were challenging enough, despite all the assistance she received from those she now considered her friends. She still wasn’t sure of which feelings were considered common among friends and which were reserved for a more personal level and didn’t feel comfortable with anyone onboard to discuss her feelings with other than the captain, who was quickly and obviously becoming the focus of her more affectionate type feelings. Sadly, she watched as Janeway rose from her seat and left the holodeck without looking back. Now she was more confused about the nature of humanity more than ever. “Computer, end program,” she said before leaving the holodeck herself.
Several days had passed since Seven’s last personal encounter with Captain Janeway. Over the course of that time the women had not had time to spend together doing their normal things such as sharing meals or enjoying themselves on the holodeck. Instead, each spent extra hours working and had only minimal contact during duty shifts. Janeway still had not come up with a good way to confess her feelings to Seven that wouldn’t make the situation inappropriate while Seven spent her hours obsessing on Janeway’s strange behavior as of late. She knew Janeway had something important to discuss with her but considered the captain would approach her when the time was right. She respected Captain Janeway and concluded it would be in everyone’s best interest to give the captain some personal space when she so obviously wanted it.
Today, however, as she sat on a biobed in sickbay being examined by the doctor for her weekly maintenance, she decided she could no longer remain quiet and confused. Her work was suffering, her days seemed endless, and most of all she missed Janeway’s company.
“Doctor, there is something I wish to discuss with you,” Seven stated bluntly. She knew the EMH detested interruptions in his work, but since he had taken it upon himself to assist the young woman in social lessons, she knew he wouldn’t mind a break in the routine this once.
“The doctor is in,” he said, smiling, as he went about his scans, oblivious to the seriousness of the situation. When it finally hit him that something deeply disturbed Seven, he put down his instruments and gave the Borg all his attention. “What’s wrong?”
“Doctor, I am confused. Captain Janeway has avoided all interaction with me since she abruptly left the holodeck four days ago after announcing she had something important to discuss with me.”
“Hmm, that’s not like the captain. Are you sure you aren’t reading more into the situation?” He tweaked his eyebrow up and secretly acknowledged that the captain had been acting strange lately. He saw her several times wandering the halls late at night having imaginary conversations with herself, and when he asked her about it she told him to mind his own business. She knew better than to threaten him with deletion of his program so she smiled coyly as she walked off. Of course, he knew she had been stressed out lately with the conflicts she was having with Commander Chakotay but assumed it was a command issue, maybe even a Starfleet/Maquis issue, and agreed to keep his nose out of it as long as she wasn’t harming herself.
“Perhaps,” Seven pondered his words, “I do not understand why she would call me to her ready room numerous times only to assign me senseless tasks such as assisting Ensign Kim on the bridge with routine operations.”
“That is odd. Maybe you should bring it up with her next time you see her. I’m capable of many things, Seven, but telepathy isn’t one of them."
“I agree. However, I must regenerate now. Is my maintenance checkup complete?” She hopped down from the biobed she was perched on and folded her arms behind her.
“Yes. All systems running fine.”
“Thank you for your advice, Doctor.” Seven left sickbay without looking back.
Walking through the corridors to Cargo Bay 2, she thought about her life. She had a special friendship with the doctor. She regarded him as one of her best friends onboard Voyager and trusted him to be as honest with her as anyone could humanly be, despite his lack of humanity. He had no reason to lie to her, yet she always felt that his attraction toward her caused a partial deception in his truthfulness, a shield to protect her from any pain she could suffer at the hands of anyone else onboard. She was Borg. She didn’t need a shield, but she did need to know why the captain had become so distant. Nothing hurt more than losing her friendship, which is what she feared was happening. Why else would Captain Janeway be avoiding me like this? she pondered as she stepped into her alcove.
Kathryn Janeway stood inside the doorway of Cargo Bay 2. She came here often to watch Seven, mostly because she knew she wouldn’t be disturbed. It was the middle of the night now, and the gamma crew was halfway through their shift. There were a dozen places she could have gone to be alone, anywhere from the empty messhall, the holodeck, the ready room, or even her own quarters, but being alone wasn’t what she wanted, it was being left undisturbed with her thoughts, and with Seven. She felt relaxed in Seven’s presence, calm, and she needed to collect her thoughts, collect herself.
Katie, get a grip on yourself. You’ve faced dangers beyond anything you can imagine. You’ve been chased by species unheard of before, you’ve even looked death in the face and spit at it. What are you so afraid of?
Before she became aware of her actions, she had begun the shutdown sequence to Seven’s regeneration. Oh shit. Hurry, reset it before she…
“Captain,” Seven greeted Janeway with those same warm blue eyes that brightened her day so many times before. She stepped down from the alcove and stood only a breath away from the captain.
“Seven, I’m so sorry. I don’t know …I’m sorry,” Janeway said with an apologetic whisper. She couldn’t even look the young woman in the eyes.
“Captain, you have stopped my cycle. Obviously there is something you wish to discuss with me.” She waited, poised and curious.
Do it, Katie.
“Seven,” Janeway’s words came slow, “You’ve been here, on Voyager, for four years now.” She paused.
Seven watched her in amazement. Whatever it was Janeway had to tell her had to be extremely important and difficult because she had never seen the captain act this way. “That is correct.” She studied Janeway’s expression; something important was on her mind. “Does Lt. Torres have a problem with my performance again?”
“No,” Janeway sighed, assuring the younger woman that was not the deal at all before she tried explaining again. “Seven, we’re like a family here. But sometimes problems arise in families that need to be panned out.”
“Then you have a problem with my performance.”
Janeway shook her head. “You’ve exceeded my expectations, Seven. You’ve become a vital member of this crew.”
“Then why are you about to terminate my position on this vessel?” Seven asked, jumping to conclusions that her days were numbered.
“What?” Janeway gasped. “No. That’s not it at all. You misunderstand what I’m saying.”
“Perhaps you should clarify.” She clasped her hands behind her back and steadied her stance the way she did when she became defensive, fully aware of any command decision the captain had to make in regards to the best interest of this ship.
“Seven, I…this crew is like a family. We look out for each other, care for each other.” Janeway shook her head again, not fully aware of where she was going with this until the words seemed to fall out of her mouth on their own before she could stop them. “Seven, I wanted to tell you… I love you.”
Janeway had never heard silence be so loud before. It made her ears ache as if someone were covering them while trying to crush her skull.
“Thank you, Captain,” Seven said after careful consideration, believing she had finally managed to find a way into the captain’s heart the same way B’Elanna had, the same way Harry had, the same way Naomi had. This didn’t quite explain why she had been avoiding her like a disease, but she felt happy that Janeway loved her like family. “I love you too.”
Janeway listened to Seven’s words; they were unlike her own. They didn’t have the same sense of urgency hers did. “I don’t mean I love you. I mean, I do, but it’s more than that.” The dream replayed over and over in her mind: Seven marrying Chakotay, Seven’s death, the homecoming without her, the promotion. It was all there playing like a bad holonovel. Why are you fumbling, Katie? Say it! “Seven, I’m in love with you.”
Silence.
“Captain…” Seven trailed off and shook her head, recreating the actions she witnessed other humanoids do in circumstances as surprising as this. She wanted to say more, but the words weren’t being processed fast enough.
Out of all the times they had spent arguing, all the late night ethical debates, and the competitions between them in the holodeck, verbally as well as athletic, Janeway had never known Seven to become speechless. “I don’t expect you to reciprocate. In fact, I know about the holoprogram you made using Chakotay’s image. I know you have feelings for him and I won’t stand in the way.”
“Captain, you misunderstand.”
“No, I understand perfectly.” Janeway cut Seven off, trying to spare the young woman from embarrassment and herself from heartache. She couldn’t deal with listening to the young woman’s confession of being in love with someone else. “I won’t stand in your way. In fact, if you would like to make arrangements for private quarters, I’ll see to it personally. I knew this day would come, that you would fall in love with someone, and until that dream I had of losing you, I guess I never imagined it would happen this soon or affect me like this.”
“Captain, I am perplexed.”
“Please, Seven. I can be blind to certain situations, but it’s only because I see through rose-colored glasses when it comes to you. You’ve been special to me since that first time I hugged you in the brig when you were still full Borg. I felt a connection between us, but I was forced to look the other way because of my command.” Janeway’s face turned pale as she thought about the dream again, about losing Seven twice: once to another person, and again to death. “Seven, I owe it to both of us to be honest here. I don’t expect you to change your feelings for Chakotay because I say so, but I wish I had spoken up sooner. Maybe we could have had something more. I’m sorry…” She turned to leave but was quickly pulled back into Seven’s waiting embrace, lifted up and held tightly by strong arms that didn’t let go.
Seven looked deeply into Janeway’s eyes, admiring the small changes of color; from afar her eyes looked gray, but up close she could make out varying shades of blue surrounding her pupils. They were beautiful. She was also aware that Janeway’s hair was more vibrant in this light and smelled absolutely wonderful. The captain’s body was warm and soft with curves in all the right places for hugging. It’s amazing how differently someone can seem in an instant, yet remain the same person you’ve always known. All her practice on the holodeck with the Chakotay program never quite prepared her for how wonderful this moment felt in real life with the one she wanted most. To Seven, in this moment of closeness, the captain was breathtaking. All the intelligence, strength, wisdom, and compassion that was Captain Janeway were wrapped up in this beautiful, compact package. Both women stood frozen, studying each other and speaking with their eyes. It was if in a single heartbeat they became one being.
Janeway, too despaired to remain in the embrace of the one she wanted but knew she could never have, sadly asked, “Seven, what do you think you’re doing?”
“Is it not obvious?”
“We can’t do this, Seven, I know how you feel and I…”
Without resisting the urge she had many times in the past, Seven bent her head down and covered Janeway’s mouth with her own, stopping the captain in mid-sentence. She had never kissed anyone before other than a hologram, and that was purely for research and practice purposes only, and it certainly never felt like this. Tremors of excitement rippled through her body as her lips brushed across Janeway’s and unresisting lips, softly at first then becoming more forceful. She lowered the captain’s surrendered body back onto her feet so she could use her hands to cup Kathryn’s face while continuing to nibble gently on her bottom lip. Kathryn tasted so sweet. As the kiss deepened and they required more, their lips parted simultaneously and each found the other’s eager tongues.
The pleasure and excitement of the kiss was too intense and Kathryn involuntarily moaned into Seven’s mouth as she reached behind Seven’s waist and pulled the Borg’s body closer to hers, inadvertently forcing a pelvic thrust that sent blood and fire rushing to parts below the beltline. She realized she would never have this opportunity again and wanted this moment to last forever. She slowly and tenderly traced an outline of Seven’s lips with her tongue, tasting every delicious bit of her full lips, before pulling away.
Once again, the women stood silently gazing at each other for a minute before Seven broke the silence.
“Captain, I am sorry. I trust you will have me sent to the brig now.”
Janeway’s insides smiled. “No. But I would like to know why you, why we did that.”
“Captain, I believe you needed clarification. I do not have…feelings for Commander Chakotay.” Seven reached down and took Janeway’s hand in her own.
Janeway was in disbelief and stood shaking her head. “What about the holoprogram you created?”
“I utilized the Commander’s image solely because I suspected one day Lt. Torres would discover the program in her hasty search for new entertainment and run it. I did not want anyone to uncover the identity of the person I truly have feelings of a romantic nature for.” Seven pulled the captain’s hand to her lips and kissed it affectionately. “It is Kathryn Janeway I am in love with.”
Janeway sighed in relief. Somehow she suspected as much, but the combination of the Chakotay holoprogram’s discovery and the recent dream forced the worst case scenario to take over her rationalized mind. All those days of doubts and confusion were put aside right here. If there was any doubt that Seven loved her back equally as much as she confessed, it was settled right here with that kiss. Suddenly, the Delta Quadrant didn’t seem as lonely as it did ten minutes ago, and their together future looked a whole lot brighter.
The End